Those Blue Eyes, Filled with Tears
by spartacuspoteto
Summary: The many times Leonard McCoy saw Jim Kirk cry. (McKirk)


**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek.**

* * *

 **Those Blue Eyes, Filled with Tears**

 **1.**

The first thing Leonard noticed about the kid was his eyes. His eyes were so frickin' blue in the dark shuttle that for a second he forgot about his phobia. And after Leonard _did_ threw up on the kid - what was his name again? Jack? James? - he didn't think he was gonna see him again. Well they probably would sometimes see each other because this is a _school_ for Christ sake, he just didn't think they would be _roommates_.

Something along the lines of 'hacking systems', the kid - Jim was actually his name, now that he'd remembered but that didn't mean he was going to stop calling him 'kid' - said. Leonard didn't want to know. As long as he stayed on his side of the room and Leonard was on his, he was okay with it. And surprisingly, Jim was a good roommate.

Only sometimes though.

He's surprisingly clean (only leaves a few socks and clothes on the floor), he's a decent cook (a feat Leonard appreciated because he sometimes hates replicated food), when he studies (even though it's rare, because how Jim could ever ace a test without studying much, Leonard will never now) he doesn't make much noise, and the kid doesn't hog the bathroom for a long time (thank God).

But alas, every good things come with a prize.

Like him, the kid's a drinker. They both like to drown their sorrows in booze. In the first year of them being roommates, most of Jim's nights consisted of booze, bar fights or sex (or sometimes all three) and for the second part, Leonard would be the one to suffer because of it. He was a doctor damn it, and as much pain in the ass the kid was, if there was even a single cut on Jim's face, he will patch it up.

Strangely though, no matter how many times Jim came home bloody, he has never cried. There was one time he had dislocated his shoulder and when Leonard set it, there wasn't a single shed of tear, only a cry and a few choices of curse words. It was a painful sight because the stubborn kid (yes, he can add 'stubborn' because he had the right to do so) refused to go to the hospital.

"I've had worse, Bones... Ha! Get it? _Bones_." That joke made Leonard cringe so hard, he forgot about Jim's grim look when he said the word 'worse'.

"Damn it, Jim! I thought I told you to stop calling me that"

"Not a chance." Jim said with glee. And if his nickname can make Jim smile that much over making that grim face, then he would have to get used to being called that ridiculous name.

Months flew by filled with coursework, tests, exams, et cetera. Leonard wanted to scream, because even medschool wasn't this hard, damn it! Plus, now that a certain someone and him has become _friends_ , Leonard was given another task that is _babysitting_.

As usual, it was a night of booze and bar fights. But as soon as he brought a bloody Jim back to their room, Leonard knew something was wrong.

Jim had _tears_ in his eyes. He wasn't sniffling, he wasn't sobbing. He just sat on the floor, staring into the wall behind his friend with glassy eyes as Leonard cleaned his bloody face and checked if he had a broken nose. Leonard was shocked because this wasn't even Jim's worst bar fight injuries (that he knows of). And he never cried for those either.

He didn't comment on that though, only on the kid's recklessness. Still, it didn't stop Leonard from thinking that this night was different than all the previous, adventurous him-patching-up-Jim-nights.

When the kid was put to bed, completely out because thank God for painkillers that Jim wasn't allergic to, Leonard cursed himself.

 _Of course_ this night was different than all the other nights!

When Jim introduced himself for the first time on that shuttle, Leonard was not in his right mind. Aviophobia and being drunk can do that to you. So he was either distracted or didn't care for Jim's last name when they first met (heck, he even forgot his first name!). But that didn't mean Leonard didn't know who George Kirk was.

Tomorrow is January 4th. It's the date of Jim's birthday and also… the anniversary of his father, George Kirk's death.

Even if Leonard was busy with academy stuff and the kid was a pain in the ass, that doesn't mean Leonard should forget about his friend's birthday and apparently also the worst day of his life. He cares for the kid damn it, and if it's the last thing he does, he's going to make it right.

And he damn well made it right when he shoved Jim into a rented truck without any explanation ("Bones, are you kidnapping me!?" "Shut the hell up and put your damn seat belt on, Jim.") and drove of to the coast of San Francisco. Thankfully Jim didn't ask any questions and only gave him a few questioning glances along the way.

Now, both men were seated on the back of the truck with two bottles of fine beers Leonard had bought this afternoon in haste before renting the truck and pulling Jim out of his bed. He had parked the truck on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. He probably has to ask around later for the road back to campus but right now he'll just lay back and enjoy the quietness while watching the stars in the sky. He could feel Jim's questioning gaze at him, though, so Leonard raised his eyebrows at him, motioning Jim to tell whatever was on his mind.

"You do know today I have to talk for the seminar right?" Right. The USS _Kelvin_ Seminar for the anniversary of the attack. One month ago Jim was asked by the professors on campus to talk in the seminar, which, Leonard thought was pretty shitty of them to do because what kind of people would ask someone to talk about their father's death day and expect them to just do it? Yet again, Leonard cursed himself because if he knew about the seminar, he should have fucking remember Jim's _birthday_.

"What, you think you're some hot shot kid or something?" He gulped his beer without taking his eyes of the kid. "The hell you're going to spend your birthday talking in a crowded room filled with people you don't even know."

When Jim smiled, Leonard thought the three-hour drive (six in total when they go back) was worth it.

"Thanks, Bones." Leonard smirked while drinking his beer again.

"Drink your beer, kid." And Jim did.

 **2.**

Tarsus IV.

Leonard should have known.

Leonard _should have fucking known_.

It was their second year in the academy. Jim and Leonard were in the same class and were given the same assignment for one week. An assignment Jim never turned in and made him almost failed the class if it weren't for him excelling in other assignments. The assignment was about the Tarsus IV Massacre and they were given one week to make a paper out of it. It was such a simple assignment and it made Leonard wonder why Jim tensed as soon as the topic was called.

That was clue number one.

Clue number two was when Jim had been called out by the professor for not completing the paper before the kid stormed out of class.

Clue number three was when he had nightmares for five days in the span of one week. Leonard was awake or was woken up for all of them, and when he had been trying to comfort Jim, the kid only brushed him off.

Last clue was when the kid came back to their room very late last night. Leonard was about to search for him when the blonde stumbled in, obviously drunk out of his mind. The doctor was only grateful the kid appeared to not be sporting any injuries (small miracles). Now Leonard didn't know how it happen, but for the first time in a long time, the two of them fought. Somewhere along the lines of "You've been acting weird all week, Jim, what the hell's goin' on?" and "'s none of your business Bones-", made them go on a screaming match. But he was tired, so Leonard chose that night not to care and go to sleep, leaving Jim to crash on his own bed. No doubt tomorrow the kid's head will be saying hello to a hangover.

True to his thoughts, the doctor was woken up by the sound of vomiting that came from the bathroom. He was still angry at the blonde and was in the middle of trying to fall back asleep, but when he heard the sound of sobbing, Leonard caved. Sighing loudly while getting out of bed, Leonard went to the bathroom to find Jim throwing up the last contents of the food he ate the day before. The smell sucks, but he's a doctor so he's used to it (another small miracle). What he wasn't used to though, was the tears in Jim's baggy eyes, streaming down his miserable face.

"Oh, Jim…" Forgetting all his anger the day before, Leonard flushed the toilet before getting a wet towel to rinse Jim's face and mouth, though it didn't help on his face because Jim kept crying. He put the towel down to cup his face and look at the kid straight in his eyes. The motion made the tears gather even more and that made Leonard want to cry too. Jim Kirk should be smiling that confident smile of his, not crying his eyes out like this, dammit.

"Jim… c'mon kid, tell me what's happening so I can help you." Jim closed his eyes and shook his head. But Leonard was having none of it. He was done being angry and now he wanted nothing more than the kid to cheer up. And if he had to buy him a very expensive whiskey or even bring him a hundred apples to do it, then so be it.

"Kid, if you don't want to tell me, that's fine. But I'm not gonna be leavin' you any time soon okay? I promise." He said it because he doesn't know what to tell the kid. He's not the kind of person who will promise that everything was going to be alright, because whatever was going on with Jim, he was clearly being haunted by something that has happened to-

Oh.

Oh no.

 _No_.

No way. Please don't let it be- "ones?"

"Jim…?" Leonard croaked while Jim whispered the one of the worst sentences he's ever heard in his life, "I was there… Bones, I was there…"

It didn't take Leonard another second to know that Jim being _there_ meant him being on _Tarsus IV._ That wretched place. That _psychotic_ man, Kodos. All those people massacred by the same man. He knew because he had just finished the paper about that place two days ago. When he had read and researched about the horrifying incident he wanted to throw up, imagine when Jim personally _lived_ it.

Jim, who must have been thirteen fucking years old at the time, if he did the math right. Jim who was his best friend. Jim whom Leonard have been patching up for the last two years. Jim who has a list of all the allergies that Leonard remembers on the back of his head now. Jim who likes getting into bar fights and bringing girls into their room. Jim who brought him to a bar and drink with him and took care of him afterwards on the anniversary of his divorce. Jim who's always smiling and cheering Leonard up when he misses his daughter, Joanna. Jim who helped babysit Joanna when Leonard had an emergency surgery the day Joanna could visit him. Jim who has already been through so much shit since the day he was born and now this- nobody deserves this, _especially Jim_ , and-

Jim who still has tears running down his face as he nervously looks at Leonard. "Bones?" The way he said it was so small and vulnerable, Leonard wanted to take him into his arms and protect him from the world.

So he did.

"I'm here, Jim." Leonard thought it was the wrong thing to say because Jim started sobbing again and he started shivering hard. But when the blonde put his arms around Leonard and grabbed his shirt while almost suffocating him, the doctor hugged him back just as hard. "I've got ya darlin', I've got ya." He whispered while rocking the young man on the floor, rubbing his back and hair as he would always do whenever Joanna was sad.

It took ten more minutes before Jim finally calmed. Leonard then took him to his bed and made him take two pills of aspirin before pushing him gently on the bed. Just as he finished covering Jim up with a blanket, a hand shoot out to grab his wrist.

"Stay." Jim asked, his blue eyes still glassy. Leonard didn't take two seconds to climb under the covers to sleep with Jim in his arms, hopefully this time helping Jim devoid of nightmares.

And he did.

 **3.**

The door to the sickbay opened and Leonard knew instantly who it was. "Hey."

He turned to stare at the young man in front of him. His face and neck was covered in cuts and bruises, and Leonard found himself afraid to find out what Jim's black shirt and pants were hiding. "Hey."

Awkward silence.

Jim wasn't looking at him in the eyes. It's been about forty-eight hours since the _Narada_ was sucked into the blackhole and Nero had been defeated. For the first ten hours Leonard had been trying to pull Jim into the sickbay but the _Enterprise_ needed her Captain, so after a long screaming match and a logical argument (fuck that pointy eared bastard), the doctor gave up and stormed into the sickbay to do his job. But not before threatening the bridge crew members that there would be hell to pay if the _Captain_ doesn't go to the sickbay the second they were on a stable course towards Earth.

"Come on then, lie down." Jim was avoiding looking at Leonard the whole time the doctor was examining him and shooting hyposprays on his neck. Leonard knows why, though. With his last patient stable, Leonard was given seven hours of sleep. When he woke up he recounted the days of the events before and now realized what a shitty friend he has been.

When Leonard sighed, Jim raised an eyebrow. "Are we done?" He asked with a hoarse voice and Leonard flinched. "Bones?"

Jim sat up on the bed, legs falling sideways and hanging on the side of the biobed as he was getting ready to stand up to put on his clothes. He didn't make it far though when Leonard grabbed his shoulders to keep him in place.

"Bo-" "Jim." The tone of his friend's voice quickly shut the blonde's mouth.

Leonard was standing on the side of the biobed in front of Jim who was sitting in it, the first invading the latter's personal space. When their eyes were locked, Jim tore his gaze away to look down at the floor, avoiding him. But a hand left his shoulder to grasp his chin and lift it up so there was no escaping of Jim's eyes meeting back with his best friend's.

"I'm sorry, Jim." The way Leonard said it with so much regret made Jim's eyes widen. "I'm _so sorry_. I'm so sorry for being such an ass and not backing you up when you were explaining yourself to Pike-"

"Bones-" Leonard let go of his hold on Jim to pace and growl at himself. "I'm sorry for letting that damn hobgoblin marooned you on that godforsaken planet-"

"Bones, you're the Acting CMO and you had your responsibilities." The Acting Captain reasoned. "If you did anything back then, you'd be accused of mutiny alongside me, and we'd _both_ be marooned on that planet-"

"-I fucking _stood by_ and _watched_ as he choked you! What the fuck kind of friend am I!? You should be saying 'Et tu, Bones?' right about now!"

"You didn't do anything-" "Damn fucking right I didn't!" "Leonard, _please!"_ Jim pleaded and Leonard stopped. His gaze went back to see Jim's hunched form on the bed. He looks so exhausted and ready to pass out.

Leonard went back to Jim's personal space again, "Len-" "No, listen to me kid." He cradled the kid's face gently so Leonard's eyes can meet with his again.

"I'm so, so sorry, Jim. I promise you. I _promise you,_ I will never _ever_ not back you up again. Where you stand, I stand, alright? And if the consequences of my actions is to be marooned on any godforsaken planet, then to hell with my responsibilities. _You're_ my first priority."

As soon as he finished his speech, Leonard could see his Captain's wide blue eyes starting to fill with tears. The kid then slumped against Leonard's chest, forehead resting against his best friend's shoulder while his hands gripped the doctor's tunic. The doctor rubbed Jim's back comfortingly when he heard sniffles from Jim.

"You promise?" The blonde whispered.

"Yeah kid. I already said so, didn't I?"

"Say it again."

Leonard kissed the top of Jim's head before again, promising him that he'll always have his back. "I promise, Jim."

 **4.**

When Leonard was called to the radiation chamber with a body bag, he somehow knew. Spock was out for blood with revenge while Scotty and Uhura were there, crying and looking at him with sympathy but nonetheless quiet.

Leonard didn't care for either of them as he watched his best friend's eyes, filled with anything but life. There was a certain calmness to them, as if he knew he was going to die but he was grateful he would walk off this world saving his ship and his crew. His family. He had sacrificed himself as a Captain should, people would say.

Fuck people. Fuck Khan. Fuck Marcus. Fuck Starfleet. Fuck all of them!

But most of all… _Fuck himself._

He had promised Jim didn't he? That he would always stand by him. Always be there for him. But look at him now. With him being busy in the sickbay doing his _responsibilities_ as the Chief Medical Officer, and instead his priority… his best friend… his Jim had died.

He was gone.

When the door to the chamber could finally be opened, Leonard saw the trickles of dried tears on his best friend's cheeks. Jim had died while being afraid, as a Captain should.

And Leonard wasn't there to save him.

 **5.**

When Spock left and Jim said, "You saved my life." Leonard snorted.

"Uhura did too."

"I'll save the thanks when she gets here." Jim smiled, his eyes watering. His doctor's eyes widen as he quickly checks on Jim's statistics. "What's wrong Jim? What hurts? Tell me."

But Jim only shook his head while gathering his strength to grab Leonard's hand and put it on his cheek before closing his eyes, enjoying the warmth.

"I died, Bones." Leonard froze.

"You did." He answered Jim after a long pause, his thumb absently brushing off the tears trickling down his best friend's cheek.

"I was so scared."

"I know."

"I thought of you."

"...Yeah?"

A nod. "I thought of my dad, my mom, and Sam. I thought about Pike. I thought about your mom and Joanna. 'thought about the Enterprise and the crew. 'thought about Gaila, and Kevin, and Scotty, and Chekov, and Sulu, and Uhura, and Spock. But… mostly you. Then I wasn't so afraid anymore."

Leonard let out a breath of relief as tears also began to gather in his eyes. This was Jim's way of saying that until the very end, Leonard has stayed by his side. He hasn't broken his promise yet.

"You saved my life, Bones." Jim whispered again.

Leonard leaned down carefully while his thumb stroked Jim's cheek. "And you saved mine, Jim." He whispered back before brushing his lips against his best friend's lips.

 **6.**

Two years after Krall and the Enterprise was ready to continue on her five year mission, Leonard was in his quarters, ready to vomit. The reason you ask? Well it's sitting right there in front of him, on the sink in his bathroom.

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and tried to remember the first time he met his lover, Jim. All the happy, sad, and frustrating moments that has happened that lead him to this resolve.

When let out a long breath and opened his eyes, Leonard Horatio McCoy was ready.

…

 _'Well, as ready as I'll ever be.'_ He thought as he grabbed the thing and quickly went out of his quarters towards the bridge before he could change his mind and chicken out.

He was going to come, see and conquer this part of his romantic life, he told himself as he walked into the bridge. Most of the bridge crew noticed him as soon as he stepped out of the turbolift. Why most? Because it was Alpha Shift and Chekov, Sulu, Spock, Uhura, and Scotty - who was standing next to Chekov to apparently 'fix' the Navigating machine - knew about this plan of his.

The _Enterprise_ 's Captain, however, was so engrossed in whatever is on his PADD that he doesn't notice Leonard stopping in front of him. It took every activity stopping that made the bridge silent with only machines beeping for Jim to finally notice Leonard. He automatically gave him a smile, not the smile reserved for diplomatic missions or the fake smile he gives to interviewers or even the patient and sincere smile he has for his crew, but the warm and loving smile he always reserved for his lover and best friend, Bones. And that made Leonard's heart ached a little harder because he was so damn in love with this kid.

"What's up Bones?" He put his PADD down, giving Leonard his full attention. Another reason why Leonard loved him. Leonard could be asking for Jim to complain about something in the sickbay for all he cared and Jim could be working on something really important, but with being lovers for five years and best friends for nine, they could instantly fall into a routine with just the two of them in the works, like nobody else was in the room.

Leonard gulped. He could feel the eyes of the people in the room, but Jim's gaze was the one penetrating through him.

At his lover's silence, Jim frowned. "Bones? Is something wrong?" He was about to stand and reach out to Leonard before the look in Leonard's eyes made him stop. It took five more seconds of locking in each others' gaze before Jim's eyes widen at the sight of Leonard dropping down to one knee and taking one of Jim's hand, with the blonde still sitting in his chair.

Jim's jaw dropped while a few female crew members gasped, and Leonard almost smirked. Almost.

"Jim. We've been together for as long as I remember." He started, before gulping and hoping his voice doesn't tremble. "If anything, I've fallen for you the moment I threw up on you when instead of punching me, you laughed at me. I didn't know it at the time, but I've got a feeling I was never gonna be able to live my life without you. I fell in love with you the moment Joanna said she likes you. I think I have before that, but she kind of sealed the deal for me." Jim let out a wet chuckle, and oh God, was he already crying? Damn kid. "When you died, I… I was lost. I thought I'd broken the promise I made you and I _know_ I did. But then you came back to me. And that was the day I promised myself I'm always going to be with you and put you back together no matter how much you get hurt or beaten up. I'll always be there to love you, because _I do_. I love you so much, kid."

"So, James Tiberius Kirk," He pulled his hand from holding Jim's to reach in his pocket and present him a diamond, crown band engagement ring in a dark blue velvet box. "will you marry me?"

The bridge crew was silent with anticipation. They wanted to scream and cheer but it took so much willpower to keep their mouths shut because their Captain had looked happy through the speech, but when the CMO popped the question, Jim receded. His expression was almost reserved.

"I…" The blonde looked away.

"Jim?" Yes and no didn't start with the letter 'I'. But then Leonard couldn't care less when he saw Jim's worried expression. Oh God, is this a mistake? Does Jim _not_ want to get married? Leonard did took a long time to pop the question, and Jim sure as hell won't be the one to ask him because Leonard had stated many times that after Jocelyn, he won't ever want to get married aga-

"I thought you didn't want to be married again? You know, after Jocelyn…" Oh. So Leonard was right on the mark.

"Back then I wasn't in love with you, Jim." Leonard said with so much conviction, Jim snapped his eyes towards his lover's, as if searching for lies or doubts.

Apparently Jim had found none, he concluded, when the kid suddenly smiled his beautiful and brightest smile before he pounced on the doctor, making both of them land on the bridge's floor. Soon the CMO found himself kissed deeply by his Captain and it didn't take long for him to kiss back.

When the two of them pulled back, there were tears in Jim's eyes, and maybe Leonard himself was crying too. "So is that a yes, kid?"

Jim laughed happily. "Of course it's a yes, old man!" Leonard didn't care about the insult and instead he reached for Jim's hand to put the ring on his ring finger. He also didn't care for the cheers, whistles and cries from the whole crew. Sulu and Chekov were whistling. Spock gave Uhura a kiss before both of them smiled excitedly (well, Uhura did) at Jim and Leonard. Apparently Scotty was there to film the event so the whole crew on the ship could see the live feed of the proposal.

"I love you Bones." Jim smiled while putting his arms around Leonard's head before giving him another kiss, making Leonard put his arms around Jim's waist while kissing his fiancé back.

"I love you too, Jim. God knows I do."

 **7.**

The wedding was held at a beautiful chapel in Georgia.

Joanna was the flower girl of course. With Spock officiating the wedding, Jim chose Scotty as his bestman while Leonard, funnily enough, chose Uhura (it wasn't funny anymore when everyone was told that Uhura was the one who helped pick the ring and ordered Leonard to man the fuck up). As the music starts, Leonard could see his friends and family sitting with smiles on their faces. His mother was in the front and next to her was Sam Kirk with his wife, Aurelan Kirk and their sons. Others were Christine, Chekov, Sulu and Ben with Demora on his lap, Jaylah, Keenser, Kevin Riley, Cupcake and the other members of the crew. Even Carol who was transferred to another starship a few years ago was there with her fiancé.

When Leonard saw Jim walk through the doors, he didn't notice everyone standing up. He only noticed his fiancé - soon-to-be-husband - walking down the aisle with his mother, Winona Kirk. As she gave him away, he could hear his mother saying, "Your father and Chris would've been so proud of you." before they gave each other a kiss on the cheek.

And there he was. In front of him was James T. Kirk, the kid who had become a young man. The kid who had to suffer for all the unfairness of the world, who had forgiven the people who wronged him and who has protected the people who means most to him. The kid who had been strong for so long, only to be broken and be put together again, and Leonard has seen all by being with him through all those times Jim had cried and suffered. He was going to spend the rest of his life with the hero who, to him was only Jim. His beautiful and wonderful Jim.

"I, James Tiberius Kirk take you, Leonard Horatio McCoy to be my husband. I promise to always cherish you and be your partner in crime. I promise to always love our daughter Joanna, and the other children that will come along as we create a family together. I vow to grow old together with you and to always love you faithfully through the difficult and the easy times. What may come, I will always be there, loving you, supporting you, and as I have given you my hand to hold, I give you my life to keep."

Spock smiled his Spock smile before turning towards Leonard for his vows.

"I, Leonard Horatio McCoy take you, James Tiberius Kirk to be my husband. Today, I promise you this: I will laugh with you in times of joy, and comfort you in times of sorrow. I will share in your dreams and support you as you strive to achieve your goals. I will listen to you with compassion and understanding, and speak to you with encouragement. Together, let us build a home, the three of us, you, me and Joanna and the other children that will come along. A home filled with learning, laughter and light, shared freely with all who may live there. Let us be partners, friends and lovers, today and all of the days that follow."

As they finished exchanging vows and their rings, Spock announced them as husbands and that they may kiss. Leonard brushed his husband's tears aside before he took Jim in his arms to kiss him, making the crowd cheer loudly and happily, celebrating the union of The Captain of the USS _Enterprise_ and his Chief Medical Officer.

.

.

.

 **The End.**


End file.
